"How does your husband feel about you writing this book?"
The question everyone asks. And the teaser video my husband made.
The other day my adult son stopped by for a visit on his lunch break. I asked him how his day was going, to my surprise he said he told his buddies at work (he’s a mechanic) about my book. “They all asked, ‘How does your dad feel about her writing that?’”
Almost every person, upon hearing that I’m writing a book about marriage with an unbelieving spouse, asks me that very question.
It’s a valid question. My acquisitions editor and publisher asked it too. There’s the whole liable thing. But besides the possibility that someday my husband could sue me or the publisher for words that put him in a bad light, there’s the concern about what writing a book like this might do to our relationship. I think that’s what most people are thinking when they ask the question. It’s a concern that would have been the dealbreaker for me. If my husband couldn’t support me in writing this book, I would not write it.
When I first started blogging about marriage I didn’t ask him how he felt about my blogs. He knew I was blogging, he didn’t really care about the subject matter—being a godly wife and mom—and he’s not a reader. But he supported me indulging in what he saw as a hobby. When I Still Seek to Win Him was first published by Desiring God, I asked him how he felt about the article I wrote. He didn’t read it, but again, his attitude was, “If that’s what you want to write about, go for it!”
But when I approached him about writing a book proposal on this topic, and the interest I had from Baker Books, his response was supportive but a little different:
Why is it such a big deal? I mean, do people really need advice on this topic? Who cares if your spouse isn’t a believer? People just have to accept it and move on. But if it helps them, and you want to write it, I say do it.
Writing this book ushered us into conversations we haven’t visited in years. We went on a few dinner dates and reviewed our tumultuous married history together. I asked if he could tell me again about why he felt he needed to separate from me the three times we were separated. Turns out, he and I both felt a lot of the same things when we separated—we both felt disillusioned, betrayed, like we weren’t married to the person we thought we married.
He thought I’d be happier without him. He thought I couldn’t accept him the way he was. He thought I didn’t want him.
In one of our talks he asked why I think he’s an unbeliever. So I explained what I understood him to believe from what he’s told me over the years.
He doesn’t believe Christ is God in the flesh. He doesn’t believe that Christ’s death and resurrection does anything for the sinner—God can forgive people without Jesus being crucified. He doesn’t believe the resurrection of Christ was anything more than a mystical or spiritual experience of a disillusioned band of followers. He believes there’s a God. He even thinks Jesus is one of many “sons of God,” and that he was a good person people would benefit from following. And he says much of his beliefs have been influenced by my faith.
I listened. I didn’t try to convince him of anything. I just let myself realize where he’s at. He’s got some beliefs about God. He has thoughts about who Jesus is. He feels my faith has been an influence on him for good. He supports me in writing about practicing the Christian faith when your spouse does not.
Thank you, Lord. How can I not be thankful?
The question, “How does your husband feel about you writing this book?” also exposes a tension that comes with marriages like mine. It feel’s weird to write a book on a topic where it might seem like my husband’s “the bad guy.” He’s the one wearing the scarlet U around his neck. He’s the antagonist, I’m the protagonist.
It’s not that way at all, but those ideas protrude from a distressing dualism pressing me to escape the tension.
Maybe it’s my American evangelical upbringing. Maybe it’s just the gravity of faith, the cross, the love of God in Christ, and wanting my husband to experience those life-giving realities. But there’s pressure in my marriage. Pressure to convince my husband of the faith. To win him. Part of the pressure is a genuine desire for him to embrace the love of Christ, but if I’m honest there’s also part of me that wants to win, as in, more points for my team. I want to be right.
I wish I could say my desires were pure; that there were no selfish ambitions mixed with longing for unity with my husband in Christ. But this is the muddied-up reality of my sinful state.
It’s hard to accept the pluralism in my marriage. It’s uncomfortable to live in disagreement about Christ. Jesus gets two different answers from my husband and I when he asks, “Who do you say that I am?”
The idea that you could live for decades in a close relationship with someone who doesn’t join you in faith feels like holding an awkward Twister position for a really long time. You know—left hand on red, right hand on green, right foot on red, left foot on green.
Or, to be more Biblical, it’s like holding a cruciform pose for a lifetime. It’s uncomfortable at minimum, and eventually it’s excruciating.
But this is the position every Christian is called to. We’re all called to have outstretched arms of love towards even our enemies, even more our spouses. We’re called to love our spouses while our ultimate loyalty and love is with Jesus. It’s tempting to give up on the cruciform way we’re called to live. I know I’ve laid down my cross and stopped following Jesus when my unbelieving husband becomes the enemy, the Bible becomes a weapon, and being a Christian becomes a proud accomplishment.
My husband is not the bad guy, and I’m not the good guy in our story. We’ve both been the bad guy. We’ve both been the antagonist. But where there has been true peace sown, real love cultivated, faithfulness, forgiveness, listening, and willingness to sacrifice for the good of the other, Jesus, the Good Guy, has been at work in our marriage.
So, to answer the question, my husband thinks it’s strange that there needs to be a book like the one I wrote. He thinks this topic shouldn’t be a topic of interest or concern. But, he’s whole heartedly supportive of me writing about it. He even made the following teaser video for the reveal of my book’s cover tomorrow.
This is so profound. One of the reasons I’ve been following your writing is because you are willing to work out the most complicated questions with a lot of grace and honesty. I can tell you’ve done the hard work before you ever write a word. Well done!!
Oh my, this got me teary. The movement from twister to cruciform...! Thankful you're producing this book, for doing the hard work of heart examining and holding tensions, and then sharing your findings without trying to say you've arrived. That's hard!