For better or worse, I only have management of one end of it
How my marriage is teaching me to love people who disagree with me about very important things.
So I’m writing this book for Baker Books about living out your Christian faith in marriage when your spouse does not join you on that path. But my perspective is not the only one in this union.
For me there has been a weighty sense of longing for something we do not have together. It’s the “with me” and “together” that I long for, along with the psalmist (see Psalm 34:4). God made us relational beings who are meant to glorify God and enjoy him forever… together. To not be able to unite around honoring God and enjoy him with my husband is a great loss.
But my husband also has an experience of dissonance in our marriage.
For him there has been a presence, a pressure, a witness in our marriage he didn’t want.
I’ve felt we are missing something, and he felt invaded by something. I want something we do not have. He has something in our marriage he does not want.
I want to give place for that. His feelings about the strangeness between us is important.
It takes two to be willing to press on in the marriage relationship. There’s a line in Moby Dick where Ishmael is strapped to Queequeg by the monkey-rope which tie the two together in a perilous way. For better or worse they are “wedded.” While Queegueg dangles on the back of a whale he’s trying to harpoon, Ishmael is on the ship tied to him. If Queegueg goes down, Ishmael goes down. Ishmael could cut himself loose and free himself from the danger, but he doesn’t. Queequeg could do the same. As Ishmael stays tied to Queequeg he considers that, as the rope jerks from the waves, and movements of Queequeg, Ishmael only has control of how he stands, how he anchors himself, how he holds the rope.
“But handle Queequeg’s monkey-rope heedfully as I would, sometimes he jerked it so, that I came very near sliding overboard. Nor could I possibly forget that, do what I would, I only had the management of one end of it.”1
In marriage, and any relationship, it takes two trying to accept one another and honor each other despite very important differences. But it’s important to remember you are only able to control your end of the rope.
Both parties, whether in marriage or in relationships with people who have opposing beliefs about sexuality, economics, political theories, education, etc., will have an effect on the other. But each person is only able to control their words, their emotions, their actions. You cannot control how the other person will respond, or what they chose to do.
My marriage has taught me (is still teaching me) to do my part to be at peace with all people.2 As much as it depends on me. Only so much depends on me. But for my part, I can come to the table, or to work, or to the family gathering being willing to consider the person on the other end of the rope. If we come to the conversation with opposing views, both of us will experience something we don’t want or agree with in the relationship. Not just the Christian.
But if the person connected to you, trying to harpoon a whale you think should swim free is jerking you around but is still willing to be tied to you, give thanks, and do your part to live at peace with them.
My husband keeps choosing his wife despite the things he wishes were different. He’s tied to me, and I to him. We could cut each other loose, and almost have several times, but by the grace and will of God we’re still together. I’m learning that I can only control my end of the rope. Will I bring a desire for my husband’s good to the marriage? Will I bring a willingness to listen to the table? Will bring truth in love, even if he decides to free himself of me?
These are questions I’m learning to ask as I seek to love my neighbor who disagrees with me about very important things. It’s good for my marriage. And it’s good for all relationships between Christians and those who oppose the Christian’s beliefs.
Melville, H. (1851). Chapter 72: The Monkey-Rope. Moby Dick (Lit2Go Edition). Retrieved June 21, 2025, from https://etc.usf.edu/lit2go/42/moby-dick/753/chapter-72-the-monkey-rope/
If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. (Romans 12:18 ESV)